love

Why does TV have to torture women with their McDreamys and Meredith Grey love stories? Why do the producers create these perfect moments, perfect lines, perfect monologues that allow the characters to say the most perfect thing they could possibly say at that moment? It's not real. I have not been allowed multiple moments in my life to deliver a mini monologue that is so touching and so gut-wrenching perfect. I have, admittedly, been watching far too much Greys Anatomy in the past week. But I'm sorry; Patrick Dempsey is Gods gift to the female race, and the show is too compelling combined with all the characters. But it really does make you think with all those thoughts Meredith shares during each episode. She says every thing every woman wants to say. Whether it be her thoughts, to her friends or to her dreamy boyfriend, she gets to say it all. I want to say it all. I have had some bad luck with love in the past and perhaps if I was given a chance to say it all whenever I wanted things would be different.

But I haven't. And maybe thats my problem; I haven't been able to say everything I've wanted to say to the people I love. I am not just talking about the guys I've been with, but also those select few friends who I have either pushed away or just not shared everything with. I used to write this "advice column" in my high school newspaper. It was less advice and more my problems mixed in with some hopefully inspiring words of wisdom. (Ha) Regardless, I wrote some things and advised people to do things that I haven't even done myself. The last week of high school my column was about saying what you need to say to people before you say goodbye. Well, I wish I had listen to what I preached. I wish I could say what Meredith Grey says to all of her friends and lovers. I wish I had been honest with people rather than allowing the coward inside me to overcome. I still have these friends, but they are faded. I have pushed them away and now I am lonely. I am lonely. And its more scary because I am only nineteen and that is too young to be lonely.

But back to Greys Anatomy. Have you ever watched that show? God, I wish I could live in that world. The world where you become best, best friends with those you work with, where you save lives for a living, and to top it all off where you get to have a beautiful man fall in love with you and not give up on you. That's a big one for me: not giving up on people. I have given up, and I have been given up on. I have been left. I have been abandoned. And it's not fun because its takes two to tango, and I'm not talking about sex. It takes two people for abandoning. One leaves, the other doesn't chase after. 

So now I am rambling with a mix of Greys Anatomy, my past relationships, and my own dark and twisted thoughts in my brain. I write this blog to help me get some things out of my head, and perhaps if someone stumbles across this blog they might take something from it. I don't really have a message through this post, only that maybe we should start preparing monologues so when the perfect moments comes along to tell our own McDreamys that we love them, we wont be ill-equipped. 

first

I am lost.

Indifferent, happy, sad, confused, dramatic, hopeful, relaxed, excited. For the past few weeks I have been feeling so much. I feel weird, I feel a little more hopeful for the future, but at the same time totally clueless. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I have no doubt that anyone at the age of nineteen really knows what they want to do with their life, completely. Some people have ideas of what they'll do, and others entered college having no idea what they will study. 

For me it was a bit different. I went into college having it perfectly planned out: I was in New York City, the only place I have ever really wanted to live, college in the city was my ticket in. I was positive I was going to live there for the rest of my life, no hesitations. I would study communications, become a journalist or a writer of some sort. Little did I know this perfect plan I had would be the exact opposite of what I wanted right now. I don't want to live in the greatest city on the planet right now. I don't want to be a writer right now. I don't want to be totally cultured and live this extravagant lifestyle. Right now.

So, I came home. I came home to figure it all out. I change my profession daily, constantly changing my mind, but I love it. I love that I am finally using this age and this gift of time to explore my options and explore my personality. I am not only figuring out my career, I am discovering who I will be as an adult. I have so many goals, too many ambitions, but I am really excited to discover what they all are. I can't wait to meet myself ten years from now, see what I am doing, who I am, if I am happy with where my life has taken me. 

The title of my blog is "nobody knows there they might end up", taken from the theme song from the unpopular TV show "Greys Anatomy". It is kind of a pivotal statement for this point in my life. I really have no clue where I am going to end up. Does anyone? I'm almost positive my folks sure didn't. I have maybe one or two friends who are pretty driven on what they want to do, but the majority is in the same boat I am. I usually don't let people read what I write, but I figured this might just be another thing to explore, another thing to try that I haven't before. Everything is changing in my life. The people, places, interests, personality, friends, relationships. Today I cut my long hair off. Right now, this second, I hate it. But, its a change.